As I approach the end of the first month of being a mom I would like to reflect on the incredible experience it has been so far. We brought our baby home just 24 hours after her birth and settled in as this new chapter in our lives began. Follow along as I share my personal story.
Week One: Euphoria
The first three days after labor I was flooded with positive emotions. I felt so free and happy. I could move my body in ways I hadn’t been able to for the last 9 months. I was beyond excited to eat the foods that I couldn’t while I was pregnant, I felt like I had gone to the spa after taking a shower and I had the most beautiful little baby in my arms. Not to mention the dooming nerves that consumed me prior to labor were now behind me. The biggest and scariest physical endeavor I would ever conquer was done. I did it! I survived it and there was a beautiful perfect little girl to show for it. Luckily I went through it with my amazing husband by my side. I also had the strength and love of my big sister to hold me up every step of the way. As we transitioned back to our new home life, we were fortunate enough to have friends and family bringing us meals, gifts and most importantly supporting us as we tip toed our way into parenthood.
Day four rolled around and suddenly the waterworks returned. Over the last few days I had wondered why there were no joyful tears in the first moments after I saw my baby girl. It became clear to me that what I had been experiencing was a post labor hormonal high. I was running on endorphins and hormones fueled by adrenaline and oxytocin. In a brief moment alone, in between visitors, I reflected on what I had been through just a few days ago and my emotions came soaring back. Luckily those specific feelings weren’t of extreme highs or lows, but instead I was merely in shock of how overwhelming this new journey was. I was flooded by feelings of great relief and it was as though I had let down my guard or my protective barrier. I was now in my safe place where I found comfort in my ability to relax and realize what was happening. I was so happy and in love with my family and literally found myself in this emotional limbo that consumed me. I began to realize that I had been pushing myself too hard in this fragile adaptation after birth. Yes, I was extremely lucky to have, what I now consider to be, a perfect birthing experience but physically and emotionally I had been riding the wave. My body had indeed gone through the most extreme transformation and I had jumped right back into my “normal” body without giving it the time it needed to adjust and heal.
I took a step back and after talking with some mom friends, family and reading a few informative articles, I realized it was time to take a giant step back and retreat to the bed. Although I felt on top of the world the last few days, the changes that were occurring in my body physically and emotionally deserved some much needed time of rest. So, for the next two days my baby and I did our best to not leave the bedroom. The sun shined in through the windows with magical warmth and beauty. I spent hours lying next to this new tiny human as we examined each other. I studied her every detail. I memorized every part of her face, her hands, her tiny toes, as my mind and emotions worked through a re-processing of sorts. I began to understand that in fact this was the baby that I grew in my body for the last 9 months… We created her… She came from us. Although I am yet to really fathom that it is physically possible to actually do that, I did give my mind and body some much needed time to reflect on it. I felt like a mama bear that had retreated back to her den. Luckily my husband was on an oh-so-brief, paternity leave and therefore was able to support us and join us in this beautiful time.
It should be noted that throughout the days of our first week home, we were obviously experiencing the usual post labor lack of sleep, as well as nerves, anxiety, extreme love and physical healing. Both my husband and I were adjusting to everything without getting much sleep and following our nerves as we cautiously and blindly found ourselves in charge of caring for this brand new little baby.